TEN USEFUL TIME SAVING TIPS YOU CAN USE

The Sequiturion

1. Multitask. Whether it's buying videos with the work computer, or clipping your toenails while cooking, any degree of multitasking is beneficial to your everyday routine. Be advised, this method may reach a point of diminishing returns. Just take extra care not to catch your genitals on the ironing board.

2. Get multiple girlfriends and/or boyfriends. When using such a strategy, one can ensure that at any point, you will have at least one person by your side, doubling your productivity. Who knows, perhaps they may work as a cooperative workforce, and achieve the task at hand in amazing speeds!

3. Use slave labor whenever possible. You may object, and say this is illegal, but get with the 21st century, people! This doesn't just apply to blacks anymore, so you can outsource your labor to any minority group, including Caucasians.

4. Increase night emissions through lucid dreams. This can free up 20 minutes a month for females, and over ten hours a week for males. The most advantageous of this tip is the fact that night emissions cause less stress on the sexual organs, and as such, medical bills (and time wasted in the doctor's office) can be reduced dramatically.

5. Build a dumbwaiter next to your bed. This eliminates the need to walk into the basement for beer, and ensures that dirty laundry will never pile up. It only takes twenty years for your time investment to pay for itself!

6. Buy a faster computer. Make sure you're using the bleeding-edge technology, to ensure that facebook, myspace, aim, yahoo messenger, ICQ, friendster, stickam, and youtube load as fast as possible. Efficient communication leads to a faster, more productive work environment.

7. Watch movies at 1.5x speed. This has been the single greatest enhancement of modern DVD players, allowing us to watch a full length movie in only an hour! Just think, if you use this to watch the lord of the rings trilogy, and finish the entire thing in seven hours, thirty five minutes, and twenty seconds!

8. Poop once every two or three days. On average, people poop twice a day. By reducing that number to twice a week, you go from 14 poopings to two or three. This results in saving about an hour a week, depending on how long it takes you to accomplish the task.

9. While on the subject of bathroom matter, pee in the shower. Why waste the fifteen seconds on standing by the toilet? Save for infection or foreign objects, urine is sterile, and waste water all goes to the same sewage treatment plant, right?

10. Don't bother having funerals for dead relatives. Sending invitations and the like can be a very taxing and time-intensive ordeal, with little return. If you must have funerals, at least ensure you charge an entry fee for the after-party, countering the cost of decorations and alcohol. The best thing you can do for your dead relative is have their absence benefit you. Make their passing an opportunity for you to skip going grocery shopping for a week, and save on hamburger meat.

11. Buy items with ripcords. This is perhaps the greatest, and most underestimated item since sliced bread. In fact, independent studies prove that the ripcord has advanced modern technology further, and saved far more time than slice bread ever has. This little red strip can be found on many packages, including cigarettes, hookah tobacco, compact discs, and DVD cases. Soon to be offered are ripcords on devices such as oranges, condoms, magazines, and edible underwear.