Rumpledforeskin
What Disney Didn’t Want You to Know
Do you ever wonder why fairy tales are so watered down, with everybody having a happy ending? Well, let me tell you this, there is more than one meaning to “happy ending.”
Years ago, before you and I were part of the picture, there lived a peasant man whose name is of no particular importance. He lived a moderately peaceful life, without too much excitement. This man also had a daughter, who had the fairest skin in all the land, and had the most beautiful long golden hair. She was often called Rapunzel, and sometimes Snow White, but she hated both of those stories. Her name was Isabel.
Much was ado around the castle, as a man of great importance was making his presence known. Many had read of his journeys, the man was known all around as the Topherius, Champion of Tang. Some proclaimed he was a wizard, while others said he was simply a powerful warrior, turned into living legend. His sword was the envy of every man, and left women and children trembling in its wake. It was also well known that he was quite fond of art, in the form of beautiful paintings. Although he was a great warrior, he did not have a steady hand for such things, and often lost his paint brushes halfway through his work.
One day the man of no particular importance got a chance to meet this man of particular importance in the castle walls. He told Topherius that his daughter was an amazing artist, who created masterpieces as quickly as Topherius himself could bring one of his foes to the ground. Isabel’s father even claimed she could draw a perfect image of anything before her, using only her toes and a paintbrush.
Topherius insisted that he immediately meet this girl, and she would create such art for him that very night. The night would be glorious, and needless to say, Isabel would be paid quite well.
Of course, Isabel could do none of this. Other than “Rapunzel” and “Snow White” she had also been called “That Girl Who Cannot Draw Thee a Straight Line” in maiden school. She had failed thirteen art classes by the time she was ten, and everybody had given up on trying to teach her art. In spite of this, Rapunzel, or rather, Isabel, was determined to find a way out of this dilemma. After all, she was quite a clever girl.
Topherius had Isabel spend the night in his sector of the castle, and provided for her a blank canvas. He instructed her to paint the canvas in the manner described by her father, or else she would be covered in spines and scales all over her body, never to feel comfortable again. Isabel attempted to paint for hours, and she failed miserably. She was quite distressed by the threat, and started to weep. When she wept, a single tear fell on one of her failed paintings. The painting itself appeared to be an old, moldy banana, and oddly enough, it started to move, and twitch. Out of it came the most disgusting ogre you’ll ever meet.
The beast then started to speak to Isabel. She told him to get out, because she was busy. But he insisted he must stay. She then told him about her predicament, and being from the very canvas behind the predicament, he offered to help. In return, he asked simply for a lock of her hair. She gave snipped off a small section of her flowing hair and he set to work immediately. He finished after about ten minutes, but it was the best ten minutes of work she had ever seen. Stroke after stroke, elegantly placed, yet swiftly thrust onto the canvas.
By the time Topherius arose, the ogre had finished painting the canvas, and jumped back into it, posing as a wilted banana in the corner of the picture. Topherius rolled into the room, and asked Isabel how last night went. She showed him the work, and he was amazed. It was of the most beautiful maiden one could ever find, inside or outside the castle walls.
Of course, the man could not stop with one work of such quality. He wanted more. His desires pulled on him to keep Isabel another night. This time, there was an entire wall painted white, for her to create a mural of the same extravagance. If she did not finish her work in a timely manner, she would be cursed with unsightly sores until her end.
Later that night, she knew she couldn’t finish the task without ogre-boy, so she started to weep again. She asked Topherius if she could glance at her old painting once more for inspiration, and again, she wept on the rotten banana. The putrid smelling ogre man came back out of the painting, and offered her a similar bargain.
Since the stakes were higher this time, Isabel would be required to give up her pearl necklace. Since nobody had ever asked her for that before, she was taken aback, but, seeing as it was either the necklace or be cursed, she decided on the lesser of the two evils. She agreed, and the weird green man set to work immediately. The next day, Topherius came back and saw the picture. Of course he was delighted, and once again, his desires tugged on him to expand his collection. He offered Isabel his entire estate, save for one room, in return for another night of such majesty. But this time, if Isabel did not complete the mural, she would be pierced with a hundred daggers.
That final night, Topherius wanted the entire room painted, ceiling to floor, and every wall. Isabel already knew how to summon the fiendish man. A single tear is what it took to bring him to life, so she pushed one out onto the picture. The ogre was more than willing to offer her a deal. In return for her first born child and her clear complexion, something he envied from the time he first saw her, he would paint the entire room.
She told the creature of course she would give up her first born child, he would probably be an accident. She was actually looking forward to being “pierced” by a hundred “daggers” anyway. She told him to return to the painting from which he was created.
After this decision, Isabel told Topherius of her lies, and he was baffled by this. Then he was relieved. He told the girl “Well, now that I have this picture, it looks better than any girl around these parts. Leave me alone to, ahem, admire this work. Also, that wasn’t a eupheism. Sorry...”
She was shocked and terrified, but, such was the end of Isabel.
Years later, Topherius was looking at the painting and started to weep that he had wasted so much time gazing into it. Then a single tear fell onto the canvas, onto an oddly placed wilted banana in the corner. Almost without warning, the most vile looking creature popped out of the painting and ate him.
