Yes, folks. I do believe the time has come to legalize that secret love of ours, the one we've all had to hide from our parents, teachers, and policemen for years. The very reason we have so many of our friends. All of this red tape and political nonsense has to stop on banning this wonderful thing. It's time to legalize cannibalism.
Think of a world with no hunger, only friends who are willing to give an arm and a leg to be with you. With this wonderful innovation, your girlfriend might give anything to really be part of your family. There are so many positives to this diet, it comes as a shock to me that so few people have given it much thought.
To begin the process, we could start a government-run program in which the tissues of a person are used after they are deceased. All that would be needed is an extra check-box on your driver's license indicating "Tissue Donor" directly underneath "Organ Donor." The limited number of people checking this box would result in rather low supply, but this first step is crucial to the greater good of the people.
While organs would be moved out to hospitals across the country, the limited quantities of consumables could be shipped to specialist restaurants throughout the united states. The profits from these actions would go mainly to funding medical research and organ transplants, to keep inter-departmental bureaucracy as minimal as possible. My estimations predict that the business would be most popular and profitable in California, based on current demographics and mentalities. Even so, the item would be somewhat of a delicacy, prepared only for those who are themselves prepared.
The meal may be of great interest to vegetarians and vegans, who have chosen not to eat meat or by-products on the basis of the unethical treatment of farmed animals. Because those who participate in this post-mortem project have given written consent, the vegan community would take comfort in the fact that they are not breaking any ethical boundaries.
The exquisite taste of human flesh does not come without drawbacks, however. The tissue would have to be screened extensively for blood-borne illnesses, pathogens, and other various diseases. Of particular interest may be viral infections. These may be more difficult to screen for, but only those with strict medical records would be allowed to be assimilated into the project.
A few years later, once the social stigma behind eating another human's flesh is dissolved, we can move on to more widespread forms of consumption. We could put into effect a more extensive system, which would mandate each person over 18 to put their name in a list to be tested, prepared, and consumed at the point of their death. The process of cannibalism will be commonplace, and the problem of world hunger can be cured indefinitely.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
TEN USEFUL TIME SAVING TIPS YOU CAN USE
The Sequiturion
1. Multitask. Whether it's buying videos with the work computer, or clipping your toenails while cooking, any degree of multitasking is beneficial to your everyday routine. Be advised, this method may reach a point of diminishing returns. Just take extra care not to catch your genitals on the ironing board.
2. Get multiple girlfriends and/or boyfriends. When using such a strategy, one can ensure that at any point, you will have at least one person by your side, doubling your productivity. Who knows, perhaps they may work as a cooperative workforce, and achieve the task at hand in amazing speeds!
3. Use slave labor whenever possible. You may object, and say this is illegal, but get with the 21st century, people! This doesn't just apply to blacks anymore, so you can outsource your labor to any minority group, including Caucasians.
4. Increase night emissions through lucid dreams. This can free up 20 minutes a month for females, and over ten hours a week for males. The most advantageous of this tip is the fact that night emissions cause less stress on the sexual organs, and as such, medical bills (and time wasted in the doctor's office) can be reduced dramatically.
5. Build a dumbwaiter next to your bed. This eliminates the need to walk into the basement for beer, and ensures that dirty laundry will never pile up. It only takes twenty years for your time investment to pay for itself!
6. Buy a faster computer. Make sure you're using the bleeding-edge technology, to ensure that facebook, myspace, aim, yahoo messenger, ICQ, friendster, stickam, and youtube load as fast as possible. Efficient communication leads to a faster, more productive work environment.
7. Watch movies at 1.5x speed. This has been the single greatest enhancement of modern DVD players, allowing us to watch a full length movie in only an hour! Just think, if you use this to watch the lord of the rings trilogy, and finish the entire thing in seven hours, thirty five minutes, and twenty seconds!
8. Poop once every two or three days. On average, people poop twice a day. By reducing that number to twice a week, you go from 14 poopings to two or three. This results in saving about an hour a week, depending on how long it takes you to accomplish the task.
9. While on the subject of bathroom matter, pee in the shower. Why waste the fifteen seconds on standing by the toilet? Save for infection or foreign objects, urine is sterile, and waste water all goes to the same sewage treatment plant, right?
10. Don't bother having funerals for dead relatives. Sending invitations and the like can be a very taxing and time-intensive ordeal, with little return. If you must have funerals, at least ensure you charge an entry fee for the after-party, countering the cost of decorations and alcohol. The best thing you can do for your dead relative is have their absence benefit you. Make their passing an opportunity for you to skip going grocery shopping for a week, and save on hamburger meat.
11. Buy items with ripcords. This is perhaps the greatest, and most underestimated item since sliced bread. In fact, independent studies prove that the ripcord has advanced modern technology further, and saved far more time than slice bread ever has. This little red strip can be found on many packages, including cigarettes, hookah tobacco, compact discs, and DVD cases. Soon to be offered are ripcords on devices such as oranges, condoms, magazines, and edible underwear.
1. Multitask. Whether it's buying videos with the work computer, or clipping your toenails while cooking, any degree of multitasking is beneficial to your everyday routine. Be advised, this method may reach a point of diminishing returns. Just take extra care not to catch your genitals on the ironing board.
2. Get multiple girlfriends and/or boyfriends. When using such a strategy, one can ensure that at any point, you will have at least one person by your side, doubling your productivity. Who knows, perhaps they may work as a cooperative workforce, and achieve the task at hand in amazing speeds!
3. Use slave labor whenever possible. You may object, and say this is illegal, but get with the 21st century, people! This doesn't just apply to blacks anymore, so you can outsource your labor to any minority group, including Caucasians.
4. Increase night emissions through lucid dreams. This can free up 20 minutes a month for females, and over ten hours a week for males. The most advantageous of this tip is the fact that night emissions cause less stress on the sexual organs, and as such, medical bills (and time wasted in the doctor's office) can be reduced dramatically.
5. Build a dumbwaiter next to your bed. This eliminates the need to walk into the basement for beer, and ensures that dirty laundry will never pile up. It only takes twenty years for your time investment to pay for itself!
6. Buy a faster computer. Make sure you're using the bleeding-edge technology, to ensure that facebook, myspace, aim, yahoo messenger, ICQ, friendster, stickam, and youtube load as fast as possible. Efficient communication leads to a faster, more productive work environment.
7. Watch movies at 1.5x speed. This has been the single greatest enhancement of modern DVD players, allowing us to watch a full length movie in only an hour! Just think, if you use this to watch the lord of the rings trilogy, and finish the entire thing in seven hours, thirty five minutes, and twenty seconds!
8. Poop once every two or three days. On average, people poop twice a day. By reducing that number to twice a week, you go from 14 poopings to two or three. This results in saving about an hour a week, depending on how long it takes you to accomplish the task.
9. While on the subject of bathroom matter, pee in the shower. Why waste the fifteen seconds on standing by the toilet? Save for infection or foreign objects, urine is sterile, and waste water all goes to the same sewage treatment plant, right?
10. Don't bother having funerals for dead relatives. Sending invitations and the like can be a very taxing and time-intensive ordeal, with little return. If you must have funerals, at least ensure you charge an entry fee for the after-party, countering the cost of decorations and alcohol. The best thing you can do for your dead relative is have their absence benefit you. Make their passing an opportunity for you to skip going grocery shopping for a week, and save on hamburger meat.
11. Buy items with ripcords. This is perhaps the greatest, and most underestimated item since sliced bread. In fact, independent studies prove that the ripcord has advanced modern technology further, and saved far more time than slice bread ever has. This little red strip can be found on many packages, including cigarettes, hookah tobacco, compact discs, and DVD cases. Soon to be offered are ripcords on devices such as oranges, condoms, magazines, and edible underwear.
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